


Better Off Listening

by foxjar



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Child Abuse, Dubious Consent, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Romance, Self-Harm, Sexual Coercion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-04-06 02:18:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19053250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxjar/pseuds/foxjar
Summary: Suzaku befriends Lelouch and Nunnally, who come to live at the Kururugi Shrine as political hostages of his father. Over time, Lelouch starts to become distant, and Suzaku assumes it's his fault.This is his first of many mistakes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Survive Said the Prophet's "Listening."
> 
> All characters are 18+ when bang time happens.

At first, Suzaku isn't sure how to react to the new kids staying at the Kururugi Shrine. His first instinct is to avoid them, as they are vile Britannians, after all, and Britannia destroys all in its path. He has little reason to believe these children are any exception. Britannia is the reason why his father is so different now; so distant, as Suzaku is rarely able to see him, and so angry when they do cross paths. As a ten-year-old, Suzaku wants his father to be proud of him, more than anything. But the coming war has put a strain on their relationship, and his father shoos him off before he can ever share any of his accomplishments.

_I've gotten so much better at swimming. Have you seen how fast I can run now?_

Suzaku's frustration is less about the desire to be rewarded, and more about acknowledgment — he wants someone to see him; how hard he's trying, how much he's learned, how much love he has to give. It all comes to a boiling point one day when Suzaku takes his frustration out on one of the new kids, the boy, who he beats until his sister begs Suzaku to stop. She can't speak Japanese, but he can hear the intent in her voice; can see the tears streaming down her cheeks. When she doesn't open her eyes, he realizes that she can't see her brother being hurt and that somehow makes it worse.

Despite the initial beating Suzaku unfurled upon the brother, Lelouch, they end up becoming fast friends. There aren't many other kids around for Suzaku to play with that are his age, and he finds that he enjoys teaching the Britannian children about life in Japan. Geography, history, cuisine, the language — both of the siblings soak up all of the information he has to offer. The Britannians aren't allowed to attend school, so Suzaku uses his homework to help teach them.

The siblings are referred to as "political hostages" by his father, but somehow, Suzaku knows that isn't quite right. They're kept in a storage building, and provided the barest of meals; while Suzaku is young, he's old enough to know that there isn't anything political about the way his father treats his so-called hostages. To him, they should be treated more akin to guests; if the war ends in their favor, they won't be here for very long, anyway. The least they should be provided with are warm beds and regular, healthy meals.

He visits them in their worn-down shack when his father isn't around. At first, because Genbu is never around, Suzaku has little trouble hiding his excursions, but as time passes, his father begins to notice.

One day, Genbu catches him sneaking an extra blanket out to his friends.

"Off to see those brats again? They aren't human, you know," Genbu says, his voice tight with venom. "They're Britannian."

Suzaku nods, then bows; not in agreement, but in an attempt to placate his father. Wrapped in the blanket are plastic containers — with rice and soup, because Nunnally is sick, and Lelouch is beside himself with worry — and if Genbu finds out that Suzaku is sneaking the hostages food, he isn't sure who would be punished.

His father can't mean it literally, about his friends not being human. Suzaku has seen Lelouch bleed sometimes when he's injured while playing outside, and his blood is the same as Suzaku's. He's seen the Britannians smile and laugh, and Suzaku can't imagine anything more human than that.

There isn't a word to describe the siblings that satisfies Suzaku. While he enjoys spending time with them and has grown to love them like family — an affection his father could never understand — they have no reason to be here. If their family cared about them, Suzaku doesn't think they would have allowed this sort of situation, so he finds it difficult to accept that they're of any real political value. Parents that would allow their own children to live in squalor like this are no real parents at all.

 _What use could two little foreign kids have to the leader of Japan?_ Suzaku wonders.

As the years pass, he comes to understand more than he ever wanted to.

 

* * *

 

The sun bakes the ground Suzaku steps on, his bare feet relishing its warmth. Nunnally and Lelouch are with him at the river near the Kururugi Shrine; Suzaku had mentioned it before, and Nunnally asked to see it. Even though they haven't known each other very long, Suzaku has found it difficult to deny such a sweet girl something so simple, and within his power to grant. It's been a long time since he's been out here — at least a year or so, since last summer — and he finds it to be the same as he remembers: clear and blue, with the water bordered by small bunches of trees.

After helping Nunnally out of her wheelchair so she can dip her feet in the water, Suzaku throws off his shirt and dives into the river. Nunnally uses her hands to splash him, the water cool against his skin, and he splashes her back, laughing. He ducks beneath the water's surface, searching until he grabs a small group of stones. When he emerges, he hands them to Nunnally, who touches them thoughtfully. She sorts through the gifted rocks until she finds one she likes: a cream-colored stone that gleams in the sunlight.

"It's so smooth," she says, handing it to Suzaku. He agrees; while he'd hoped to find an interesting shell of some sort for her, he supposes this rock isn't too bad.

After a few minutes of looking over their discovery, Suzaku notices that Lelouch is still standing on the shore. He's looking off into the distance, out over the water, and his hand clutches at the hem of his shirt, pulling it down as if it'll stretch if he keeps trying. The shirt is white, and a bit damp from when Suzaku and Nunnally were splashing each other. With just a bit more water, maybe Suzaku will be able to see what his friend is hiding.

"You can't swim with your shirt on," Suzaku teases, playfully swatting some water toward his friend.

"I can do whatever I want, Kururugi Suzaku."

It's Lelouch's tone that alarms him; low and strained like he's in pain. Suzaku walks over to him, the water from his swimming trunks seeping back into the earth, and, without thinking, he reaches for Lelouch.

His friend twists away from him as if the mere thought of Suzaku touching him burns. Suzaku retracts his hand, holding it against his chest as he searches Lelouch's face for some sort of answer. They often comfort each other like this, with a gentle shoulder squeeze or nudge. They're simple touches used to solidify their friendship; to assure the other that they're not alone and that they're cared for.

"Lelouch?"

"Don't you touch me. Don't you ever touch me."

Suzaku supposes this is the end of a significant portion of their friendship: the roughhousing, play fighting, and even the gentle touches, like the hand holding and hugging. Lelouch likes to cuddle, and sometimes, when Suzaku sneaks out to spend the night with him and Nunnally in the storage shed, he'll let Suzaku hold him. While he doesn't know or understand why Lelouch came to this decision, Suzaku wants to give his friend control over this, because, unlike what he'd said — "I can do whatever I want" — Lelouch doesn't really have power over anything.

"Okay, I won't touch you," Suzaku agrees, nodding his head sadly.

"Good." Lelouch looks surprised, his eyes wide, but he says nothing further.

Suzaku doesn't press the issue and returns to the river to play with Nunnally. Every so often he looks back over at Lelouch, who's sitting down now with his arms wrapped around his knees, no longer pulling at his shirt. When Nunnally calls out to him, Suzaku can see his eyes blink away the unshed tears as he forces out casual banter with his sister.

 _Is it because I beat him up?_ Suzaku wonders. He thought they'd been able to leave that in the past, but perhaps he was wrong. Regardless, he decides it's his fault; that he's the one pushing Lelouch to the brink of tears.

The thought gnaws at Suzaku's heart.

 

* * *

 

Years later, Nunnally and Lelouch are still living in the decrepit shack. Suzaku had spent a significant amount of time staying out here as a child, even before the Britannians moved in, so he hadn't held a negative view of it back then. The roof has always leaked, and it's always been dirty and cold, no matter how much Suzaku cleaned, or how many blankets he bundled himself up with. It felt like a secondary sort of home to him growing up, but as teenagers, it feels wrong; it's always been small, but now it feels utterly cramped.

Suzaku always thought the housing had been temporary like it had been for himself. He was wrong.

Nunnally is tucked into her blankets a few feet away, her breathing quiet in the still night. Suzaku and Lelouch are huddled next to each other on the floor, attempting homework by the light of a lantern. While Lelouch still isn't allowed to attend school — another one of those red flags that always bites at him, even now — Suzaku always shares his homework for them to work on together.

Lelouch leans close, their shoulders bumping now, as he points to a string of characters on the worksheet they've been tackling for the past hour.

"I don't recognize the kanji here," Lelouch says.

Suzaku smiles. "I can't even remember the last time you've said that."

Lelouch stiffens beside him, then starts to pull back — away from him — but Suzaku touches his shoulder in apology before quickly retracting his hand. The strange, recurring incidents with Lelouch from when they were children come to mind: “If you touch me one more time, Kururugi Suzaku…”

Suzaku learned not to touch him — his best friend — eventually, and it became a habit to distance himself physically from Lelouch. Not much has changed since back then, as they've never overcome this particular hurdle in their friendship, but Suzaku is at least glad Lelouch isn't yelling at him. He can't say for sure why Lelouch is so averse to being touched, and while it's always worried him, the choice isn't his to make.

“Well,” Lelouch murmurs, “you’re a great teacher.”

Suzaku’s heart swells at this, and if he didn't know better, he would think that Lelouch is leaning into him on purpose now. The top of his head is touching Suzaku’s cheek as Lelouch huddles up against him.

There's guilt, too, as Suzaku yet again ponders how much better the lives of his friends would be without him.

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry you can’t leave the shrine, that you and Nunnally can’t study Japanese at school like you should. I’m sorry I can’t —_

“Do you remember when we were kids?” Lelouch asks, his voice quiet, but still enough to break Suzaku out of his thoughts. “You probably don’t recall this, but when it was cold, or when one of us was upset, we would lie together like this.”

_Of course I remember. I would hold you. How could I forget?_

“Sometimes I wonder why we don’t do that anymore,” Lelouch says. It's perhaps too hopeful on Suzaku’s part, but he thinks he hears something deeper in the words; something almost suggestive. But without being able to see Lelouch’s face from this angle, he can't be sure.

Suzaku thinks of all the times Lelouch has told him — commanded him — not to touch him; all of the times Suzaku has walked into the storage building, and Lelouch turns away to hide his eyes, swelling with tears. He's never felt that he is owed an explanation, because, to Suzaku, it's always been his own fault.

“I don’t know,” Suzaku lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this story was written in December, but I'm on chapter eight, so it's almost done.
> 
> I'll add more of the NSFW tags closer to when the scenes happen!


	2. Chapter 2

Suzaku's eighteenth birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and the hot, summer weather tags along with it. Although not along the lines of a heatwave, it's still uncomfortable, and enough to leave him sweating in his clothes. He's already changed once today, and it's not even afternoon yet.

"I have something to give you," Lelouch says. They're visiting the river again, and while the current is slow today, Suzaku can still hear it rippling along the shore. It brings back memories from their childhood — some good, some sad, but with Nunnally and Lelouch at his side, he's able to overcome the worst of them.

He shields his eyes with his hand and looks up at Lelouch, who's lying nearby with a book on his lap. He's wearing a white button-down shirt with short sleeves, along with black capris; hand me downs from the Kururugi's wardrobe. From where Suzaku is standing, he can't quite make out the look in Lelouch's eyes, despite his attempts to squint against the sun's glare.

"What is it?" he asks.

"It's for your birthday, obviously. I can't tell you."

"Is it wonderful?" Suzaku teases.

"I put a lot of thought into it. I think you'll like it." Lelouch pauses. "It's very special to me."

 _Something special to Lelouch?_   Suzaku can't imagine what it could be. Lelouch always says that the only things he needs in life are him and Nunnally, but they aren't really things, nor are they something to give away. His mind starts wandering, and before long, Lelouch laughs.

"Don't think about it too much. I don't want you getting your hopes up."

"But it's a gift," Suzaku protests. "From you. How am I supposed to not think about it?"

"Fair enough." Lelouch snaps his book shut with a loud thump, then makes his way over to the water. Suzaku can see the smug grin on his face now, and for a moment, he thinks Lelouch might swim with them today.

 _Is this my birthday present?_   Suzaku's breath catches in his throat. _Is he going to take off his shirt?_

 _That,_ he thinks, _would be the greatest present Lelouch could give._ But, no, of course that isn't his present — his birthday is still weeks away, and here he is thinking too much again.

Lelouch thins his eyes at him — as if he can read Suzaku's thoughts — before taking off his shoes and dipping his feet in the water alongside his sister's. The siblings chat amicably, and Lelouch asks what she thought of their last batch of assignments. When it comes to learning, Suzaku has found Nunnally to be stubborn and persistent, as she insists on using the same materials as the older boys. To her immense credit, she handles the work well; while not on par with Japanese students their age, both siblings still have an impressive knowledge for their circumstances.

Suzaku enjoys helping them learn so much that Lelouch often teases him about becoming a teacher someday. The thought is warming, although fanciful; even if his father isn't always around, he still has presumptions about his son's future. Taking over care of the shrine is one, but Genbu might even want Suzaku to follow him into politics. As a son who at least tries to be dutiful in some ways — in others, he blatantly ignores, like the near starvation Genbu attempts to force his hostages into — Suzaku doesn't plan to disobey, but the thought of being a teacher interests him.

He wonders what Lelouch and Nunnally aspire to do: what they want to do for careers, and where they want to live. The thought of them wanting to leave Japan — leave Suzaku — saddens him, but sometimes, he'll imagine what Lelouch looks like in all of his Britannian finery. With the way he talks about traditional clothes from his homeland, they sound stuffy and uncomfortable, but to Suzaku, everything looks good on Lelouch.

The war has to end someday, and then his friends will be free to lead their own lives. It doesn't occur to Suzaku that the war might never end, or at least not soon enough to save his friends.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks before Suzaku's birthday, his father leaves on a trip. It'll only be for a few days, but to him, it's wondrous news, and his heart pounds as he heads out to the storage building. He herds his friends toward the house, despite an uncertain frown painting Lelouch's face. Having only been in the house a few times over the years, Suzaku can understand why he's so apprehensive, but he assures his friend that there's no need to worry.

"But your father —"

"Let's not talk about him," Suzaku says, shaking his head. "For these whole three days. Let's just pretend this is real. Please."

They do just that. By day, it's almost like they're playing a game of house; Lelouch makes sure to bathe every day and wear his nicest clothes — another button-down shirt, this one with long sleeves.

"I wouldn't want to sully your home," Lelouch says, and Suzaku can see the sadness in his eyes.

"You could never do that. You and Nunnally make this place home."

In the afternoon, Lelouch has one of the screen doors open as he lounges in the sun, reading a new book from the Kururugi library. He even undoes the first few buttons on his shirt, and Suzaku can't help but stare.

When Lelouch catches him looking, their eyes meet, and he smiles. "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I've done all the housework for the day," Suzaku says, crossing his arms as he wonders if he forgot something.

"No, I mean...you're like the father here, aren't you? In our little make-believe." Lelouch smirks at the idea. "And Nunnally is the child, and I'm the — oh, forget it."

When Lelouch turns from him, Suzaku can almost feel the flush on his face.

"Lelouch is the stay at home dad," Nunnally chimes in from across the room, laughing that gentle chuckle of hers.

_Is that really what you were going to say?_

Before Suzaku can ask, Lelouch is setting his book aside and mumbling about how he's hungry, so he and Nunnally head to the kitchen. Suzaku follows them and finds the siblings eyeing the room in wonder.

"Is there anything in particular you want for dinner?" Suzaku asks, maneuvering around them to open the fridge.

"Something traditional," Lelouch says, his eyes meeting Suzaku's. "Or is that too much to ask?"

"You never ask for too much. If anything, you don't ask for enough."

"Like a family, I think he means," Nunnally says. "A family meal."

Every time they eat together is a family meal to Suzaku, but he understands the sentiment. While his cooking skills have never been anything to brag about, he works hard to prepare a meal worthy of his friends. His friends even offer to help, and together, they create a hearty dinner: white rice with seaweed, miso soup, and steamed vegetables, with cold barley tea to drink. Suzaku hasn't eaten this well since before his mother passed away, and he imagines it's been a similar length of time since his friends have had a proper meal, as well.

They bring all of the food into the dining room, laying it on the table so that each dish is easily accessible. Suzaku makes sure everyone dishes up enough to eat; he doesn't want to take this gifted time for granted.

“We made a lot of food, didn’t we?” Lelouch says after they start digging into the food.

“Really, it’s okay.” Suzaku stops eating for a moment to look at his friend, and there's a dark uncertainty in his eyes. “It isn’t that much.”

 _Just more than you’re used to_ , he thinks, but, not wanting to break the temporary dreamland they've created, he doesn't say it out loud.

Every so often, he notices Lelouch fidget in his chair; he shifts his hips enough for Suzaku to ask if he's okay.

Lelouch nods his head. "It's just a bit uncomfortable, is all."

"We can sit on the floor. There are cushions and a shorter table out in the sitting room —"

"It's fine," Lelouch assures him. "Just different."

_But it shouldn’t feel “different.” This should be normal for you. How can my father have let it get this bad, and for so long?_

"I hate how he does this to you,” Suzaku says, gritting his teeth while clenching his fist. “You and Nunnally deserve so much better than this —"

"Suzaku, you promised.”

He did promise, and he meant it. For the rest of their vacation, of sorts, Suzaku vows to keep his word. His father has no place in their perfect world, anyway.

 

* * *

 

After dinner, Nunnally is resting in the sitting room while Lelouch pesters Suzaku in the kitchen.

“Let me help you,” Lelouch says, reaching for a plate in the sink just as Suzaku grabs it. He sighs, not disliking the touch, but if Lelouch stays here, he'll keep distracting him; when he's around, Suzaku wants to soak in every word he says and every facial expression he makes.

“I can finish up here. You go get ready for bed.”

Before Lelouch can protest, Suzaku pushes him — gently, and more of a suggestion rather than a full-on shove — out of the kitchen. As he figured beforehand, he's able to finish cleaning much quicker without his friend around to distract him. Every dish is washed, dried, and returned to their usual cupboard. If his father came home tonight, Suzaku doesn't think he would find a single thing out of place — except for, of course, the two Britannians in the house.

Nunnally is still in the sitting room, and when Suzaku asks where their wayward prince has scampered off to, she tells him she doesn't know.

 _Which is fine,_ he thinks. _Lelouch needs some alone time, the same as anyone else._

He just wishes he would've been told in advance where Lelouch would be spending his alone time, as he slides open the door to his bedroom.

Lelouch is standing in front of the closet, naked except for a pair of black briefs. Suzaku soaks in the sight of his thin body, eyes raking down the curve of his hips and down his legs — something he's wanted to see for so long that he'd banished the fantasy to his dreams. The excitement doesn't last more than a few moments as his eyes start to see more of the reality dug into Lelouch’s pale skin.

Patches of bruises mottle his upper legs and thighs, while thick reddish welts line his back. Neither the bruises nor the welts look too recent; both are light enough that he had to re-examine his body, but sure enough, they aren't just his imagination.

Words escape him. “Lelouch…”

His friend turns to him, face sad, and yet he forces out a small smile as he grips the shirt in his hands. “I’m sorry you have to see this.”

_Is this why Lelouch never takes off his shirt, then? Why he never wears shorts?_

It explains so much, and yet so little.

“What happened?”

“I fell,” Lelouch says, his answer quick and vague as if the words are routine for him. “It looks worse than it is. You know my skin can be...delicate.”

“I didn’t see you fall.”

“Maybe you weren’t looking.” Lelouch slips the shirt over his head, covering the injuries on his back. He pulls at the hem of the shirt, pulling it down as far as it'll stretch, but it's never enough; just like when they were children.

_Oh, Lelouch. When am I not looking at you?_

“You look…”

Suzaku isn't sure what he wants to say. Beautiful, maybe — handsome, perfect. But that all sounds inappropriate, despite the urge to assure Lelouch that he cares for him.

“Awful, I know.” Lelouch plops down onto one of the futon mattresses they prepared earlier that day. “If you had knocked before coming in, maybe you wouldn’t have had to see.”

“I wasn’t going to say that. What’s gotten into you?”

_Don’t you know how much I care about you?_

“There was a cat, too,” Lelouch offers. He still isn't wearing pants, and his long legs are stretched out on the futon. Suzaku can feel his friend looking at him from the corner of his eyes as he stares, but Lelouch says nothing. Their eyes meet, and Lelouch bites his lip before lifting his legs, angling them so that he can see the backs of his thighs.

The moment is awkward: arousing, disconcerting, and so painfully unlike Lelouch that he can't help but worry even more.

“A cat fell on you?” he says, tearing his eyes away from his friend’s legs. If only Lelouch had shown him under different circumstances, and not as an attempt to sway the conversation in his favor.

“No, I fell. And on a different day, a cat scratched me. Separate incidents.”

_Why are you lying to me? I really deserve this, don’t I? I really don’t deserve to know anything about you._

While Suzaku has always let Lelouch keep his secrets, as he blames himself for Lelouch not even wanting to share them, this one feels different.

_Someone’s hurting him. Someone’s always been hurting him, haven’t they?_

When Lelouch has Nunnally tucked into bed and the lights are turned off, Suzaku starts thinking again. As his eyes grow somewhat accustomed to the darkness, he looks at Lelouch, although he can't tell if he's still awake.

_Are they hurting Nunnally, too? Lelouch wouldn’t let that happen. He’d tell me._

_Wouldn’t he?_

With their family fairytale shattered — at least to Suzaku — he tosses and turns all night. Thinking too much, Lelouch would say. Now, Suzaku thinks it hasn't been anywhere near enough.

He has to talk with Lelouch about what he saw again. Next time, he'll be prepared to deal with his friend’s coyness and attempts at derailing the conversation.

Next time.


	3. Chapter 3

It's the third of July — one week before Suzaku’s birthday. Instead of thinking about his own big day, his thoughts turn to his friends. They've both been working so hard with their studies, despite their living situation. After their mini-vacation of sorts, Suzaku feels more indebted to them than ever. Their friendship is what makes him feel like life is worth living; what gives him hope.

After school, he stops by a small shop on his way home to pick up some books. They're more age-appropriate workbooks for Nunnally, and he thinks seeing the smile on her face will be a good enough early birthday present for himself. And Lelouch’s happiness at seeing his sister overjoyed, too — it'll be something Suzaku is sure to never forget.

The mid-summer day is muggy as he trudges up the steps to the Kururugi shrine, excitement bubbling in his chest. It's not just about the books, either — Suzaku has been longing to see Lelouch all day: to hear his voice, see his eyes, bask in his laughter. He imagines Lelouch might feel the same, after being cooped up all the time. Maybe they can take another trip up to the river today, if his friends are up to it, as it's a perfect day to do so; while it's warm, there's a light breeze brushing through his hair, easing his discomfort.

When Suzaku arrives home, his father is standing outside with his arms crossed, impatiently tapping his foot on the ground.

“Where have you been?” Genbu demands, then, after composing himself, says, “I can’t find that boy of yours.”

_That boy…_

“Lelouch?”

“Is that what you call him?” Genbu smiles, as if the idea of Lelouch having a name is amusing to him. “Well, he’s gone.”

“What do you mean, ‘gone?’”

“Exactly what I said.” Genbu huffs. “Now go look for him. And don’t come back until you find him. He’s valuable property, as you know.”

This all must be some sort of misunderstanding. The first place Suzaku heads is out to the storage shed where Lelouch and Nunnally live, but there's no trace of Lelouch other than his unmade bed.

Nunnally is still there, at least, so before he continues his search, he stops to console her as best as he can.

“I woke up, and he wasn’t here,” she says, eyes watering; like her brother, she resists her own tears. “I called out for him, but he had already left. He’s alright, isn’t he?”

“Of course. He must have just wandered off too far and gotten a bit lost.”

“He’ll come back, won’t he?”

The idea of a life without Lelouch strikes him, and it takes Suzaku a few moments to gather his thoughts. If something had really happened to Lelouch, he isn't sure what he would do. A life without his grin, his smug remarks, his warmth — it just doesn’t seem like it’d be worth living.

“I’ll find him, Nunnally. I’ll bring him back.”

Lelouch wouldn't have left Nunnally alone like this; not of his own accord. Before assuming the worst, Suzaku tries to think of all the places Lelouch might have went: the river, or perhaps the woods behind the house. Neither place shows any sign of his friend having been there — nothing out of place, no books, and no Lelouch.

He scours the house, too, just in case. Nothing. No Lelouch hiding in the closet, which is where he almost hoped he would be — and feared.

When the sky starts to darken, Nunnally cries as Suzaku holds her.

“He’ll be cold, and hungry, and alone —”

“It hasn’t been getting cold at night yet,” Suzaku offers, his own heart heavier than it's ever been. “And I’ll leave out some food, in case he finds his way home.”

He can't ease Nunnally’s worry for her brother’s loneliness.

 

* * *

 

Suzaku has school the next day, and while he had initially appreciated the distraction, he finds himself thinking of Lelouch. Once, he had been devoted to focusing in school so that he could relay the information he learned to his friends. Without having Lelouch wait for him at home, he has difficulty caring about whatever today’s curriculum is.

_Where are you? Why did you leave? Is it my fault?_

Suzaku snaps his pencil in half. It's, unfortunately, his last pencil, and as he's too irate to ask to borrow someone else’s, he uses his pencil stub for the rest of his classes. No one bothers trying to talk to him today, and he's grateful for that.

When he arrives home, there is, of course, no news. He checks the food containers he left out the night before, and none have been touched. Again, he alternates his time with looking for Lelouch and comforting Nunnally. While he never has any news to share, he wants to make sure she's okay, and that she knows she isn't alone. Suzaku will never leave her.

 _Neither,_ he thinks, _would Lelouch._

The days start to blur together, and Suzaku isn't surprised at how dull his life has become without Lelouch. He's just surprised that it's something he's had to grow accustomed to; he never planned for anything like this. All of his dreams for the future included his friends.

With his father preoccupied more often than not, Suzaku is left to wallow on his own. Expressing his weakness in front of Nunnally isn't an option for him, so he does it while searching for Lelouch.

He screams at the trees, at the sky, at the earth.

“Where the hell are you?”

All that replies is the slight breeze, rustling his clothes.

“I don’t know what to do without you,” Suzaku admits.

_Lelouch._

 

* * *

 

It's been three days since Lelouch's disappearance. Suzaku's father has been around more often in the mornings, and he always manages to coerce his son into eating breakfast with him; Genbu isn't the type of man who takes “no” for an answer. Food has been the last thing on Suzaku's mind for the past few days, or at least food for himself. He thinks of Lelouch, like Nunnally had said that first day — "he’ll be cold, and hungry, and alone" — and any appetite he might have once had escapes him.

Suzaku has never been wasteful with food, but looking at the rice in his bowl makes him sick now. Like yesterday, he plans on idling here until his father eventually leaves to deal with some political issue or another. Genbu has never cared about Lelouch or Nunnally, so it shouldn't surprise him, but his carefree attitude — the way he almost smiles as he eats his breakfast, then reaches for seconds, and even thirds — makes Suzaku's stomach turn.

From across the table, Genbu sighs. He sets down his bowl, having devoured every dish laid out before him.

"Someone's seen him," Genbu says, as he starts to collect the dirty dishes. His voice is so relaxed at the announcement that Suzaku almost misses it.

"Lelouch?" Suzaku stands, his chair squeaking against the floor. "Someone's seen Lelouch?"

Nodding, Genbu starts heading into the kitchen with the dishes, as Suzaku follows him.

"When did you hear from them?" Suzaku asks, his breath catching in his throat. Someone has really seen Lelouch; there's a lead for them to follow now. He can't wait to tell Nunnally, who has been beside herself with worry these past few days. Like Suzaku, she's barely eaten, no matter how much he's insisted. When Lelouch comes home, he'll be disappointed at Suzaku's inability to care for his little sister. But Suzaku is willing to deal with that, if it means Lelouch will be home.

"Sometime yesterday," Genbu replies, soaping up the dishes while his son gawks at him.

"And you're just telling me about it now?"

Pausing his work, Genbu turns to Suzaku. "How dare you speak to me this way? Apologize, and maybe I'll give you their contact information."

Although Suzaku bows low, his jaw clenches as he replies: "I'm sorry, Father. Very sorry." If it's for Lelouch, he'll prostrate himself before his father a million times over.

Seemingly placated, Genbu hands Suzaku a piece of paper from his pocket, and with another bow, Suzaku takes his leave. First, he heads out to the storage building to tell Nunnally about the development. He's even able to coax her into eating some soup after reminding her that Lelouch is just as worried about her — wherever he is — as she is about him.

Both a phone number and address are listed on the paper, but when Suzaku calls, no one picks up. He could wait until tomorrow, but the thought makes him feel sick; tomorrow is too long from now, and besides, tomorrow could be too late. After looking at the address again, he figures out a route, and although it'll likely be dark by the time he arrives, he decides this is something he has to do.

 _Could Lelouch really have gotten so lost?_ Suzaku wonders. _This is...so far._

Lelouch has learned to speak Japanese well by this point, and although he's behind on reading comprehension, he's been dutiful in his studies.

_Why didn't he ask for directions? Why didn't he come home?_

_Unless Lelouch never planned on coming back._

 

* * *

 

Suzaku's calculations are correct, and the sky is dark once he arrives at the address his father gave him. If whoever had seen Lelouch would've picked up the phone earlier, he wouldn't have had to waste time making the commute over here, and he could've instead used the provided intel to look for his friend. But he can't regret this time spent for Lelouch's sake; he just hopes the person who claims to have seen Lelouch isn't mistaken.

The man who opens the door is tall, with reddish-brown hair. He looks down at Suzaku, his brow raised, likely wondering why a teenager is visiting him so late.

"I'm here about Lelouch," Suzaku says.

"Lelouch. Is that the... Shit, you're just a kid."

"You didn't answer your phone, so I came to see you in person," Suzaku explains, his voice tight.

"Listen. Kid. Funds are tight. I haven't been able to pay my phone bill, so —"

Suzaku interrupts him, uninterested in his current financial situation, or anything else about him. "Where's Lelouch?"

"I don't know." The man crosses his arms. "Why the hell do you think I'd know?"

"My father told me you saw him."

"Yeah. Right." The man pauses to point down the street, in the opposite of the direction Suzaku had come. "He headed off, uh, that way."

"And you're sure it was him?"

"I don't know? He was, uh, real dirty."

Suzaku's hands itch to wipe the smirk off of the man's face. "He was just walking? That way."

"That's right."

"I don't believe you. I don't know why you're lying, but you are."

"What reason do I have to lie to you?"

"I don't know," Suzaku admits after he has the man's shirt clenched in his fists.

"Listen, you have your information...so how about you just fuck off?"

After Suzaku is shoved away and the door is slammed in his face, he decides to do just that. He walks off in the direction the man had pointed, more confused now than ever. Nunnally will be wondering where he is by now, wanting to hear the news — good or bad. But this is the first potential lead they've had in days, and squandering the opportunity given to him is the last thing he wants to do.

_What would Lelouch do, if he were me?_

_He would keep walking. He would keep looking. He wouldn't give up. Lelouch doesn't just give up._

Nunnally will have to worry for now. Suzaku can still catch the last train home, but for now, he follows the road leading away from the train station.

_Did Lelouch really come here?_

If the informant's words were true, Lelouch had walked down this street. Suzaku feels as if he's retracing Lelouch's footsteps, and he finds himself imagining his friend is here alongside him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for self-harm/violence this chapter.

For Suzaku's birthday, he wishes Lelouch could be here beside him, close enough that he could reach out and touch him. Then maybe everything would feel real again — like his heart hadn't been torn from his chest the day Lelouch disappeared. His second wish is for it to be any day other than his birthday; if he can't have Lelouch beside him, he doesn't want to have to be so miserable on what should be a joyous occasion.

He misses Lelouch's voice and the passion he'd put into each and every story he would tell Nunnally as she was falling asleep. He misses his warmth as they'd press close together out in the shack as they puzzled over schoolwork — or for any of the other multitudes of excuses they found to inch their bodies closer, but never quite touching.

Suzaku hasn't seen his father yet today, and he's glad for that. That snobbish grin that's always plastered on his face when he talks about Lelouch — Suzaku can't stand it. Ever since his father took in the Britannian wards, Suzaku has changed, one day at a time. He cringes when he remembers how he used to view Britannians as sub-humans, like his father. Genbu still holds that viewpoint, and it scares Suzaku.

Nunnally wishes him a happy birthday, and to her credit, it almost sounds like she means it. They have breakfast together out in the storage building: a simple meal of rice, pickles, and tea. Considering the circumstances, being able to be with Nunnally like this is the best birthday present Suzaku could have asked for.

 _What would I have done without Nunnally?_ Suzaku wonders. _If they had both disappeared?_

Suzaku is washing the breakfast dishes in the kitchen when his father approaches him. He's in one of his crisp business suits like he often is, but something about his sudden appearance strikes Suzaku as odd.

"Come," his father says with a wave of his hand. Suzaku almost ignores the command, as the last thing he wants right now is to be anywhere near his father, but after a few moments of contemplation, he follows him, ever the loyal son.

His father leads him out into the sitting room, and Suzaku finds himself yet again at a loss for words.

There he is, kneeling on the woven mats that cover the floor: Lelouch — his friend, his prince. While his eyes are open, they are staring down at the floor, and his hands are bent behind his back. His hair looks damp as if recently washed and combed, and his clothes are much cleaner than Suzaku would have expected, seeing as how Lelouch went missing a week ago.

"I made sure he was presentable before bringing him," Genbu says, and while Suzaku hears his cryptic words, they don't register in their entirety. Suzaku moves forward — to wrap his arms around his friend, to cradle him in his arms and never let him leave again, to ease each of his worries — but his father grabs his shoulder, grip tight.

"I believe thanks are in order first."

Of course Suzaku is thankful for whatever, or whoever, brought Lelouch back home, but his father's words confuse him.

_Is he asking me to thank him for bringing Lelouch back?_

It's one of Genbu's inane requests to bolster his own ego, but Suzaku still complies. He bows deeply in front of his father, thanking him over and over until he's sure his tears of joy will spill from his eyes at any moment.

"I'm sure some sort of punishment is in order for this heinous indiscretion." Genbu looks over at Lelouch, who's still kneeling on the ground. Quiet, obedient, and so unlike the man Suzaku knows.

"'Punishment?'" Suzaku's gaze wanders toward Lelouch's arms — being held back by something, he realizes.

"He'll be telling you all about it. How he tried to run away, abandoning his little sister." Genbu takes a few steps in Lelouch's direction, and Suzaku can see him flinch as he turns his head away. "Isn't that right?"

Lelouch is visibly shaking as he bends forward, bangs shielding his face now as if from shame.

"Happy birthday, Suzaku," Genbu says, patting his son on the back before turning to leave. "I'll be expecting to see marks."

When they are alone, Suzaku rushes to Lelouch, and his fingers feel so slow as they fumble with Lelouch's bindings.

_Was tying him up really necessary? This isn't making any sense._

Suzaku wants to comfort his friend, but he isn't sure how. First, he needs some answers to figure out just what Lelouch has been through this past week, so they can deal with the situation appropriately. Then they can visit Nunnally, who will be overjoyed to see her brother after so long.

"Lelouch —"

“Don’t.” Lelouch’s voice is garbled as he attempts to hold in his emotion — and maybe even his tears.

_Doesn’t he know he doesn’t have to hold anything back with me?_

“I don’t understand,” Suzaku says, trying to wrap his head around what his father had said as he sits on the floor next to Lelouch in an attempt to even the playing field a bit. “It’s not true, right? You didn’t run away.”

“It’s true.”

Suzaku’s stomach is in knots, and his skin grows clammy as he struggles to find the words to draw out proper answers rather than succumbing to Lelouch’s usual way of avoiding the truth.

“Why would you — how could you?”

Lelouch turns to him now, eyes watering as he reaches out to clench the front of Suzaku’s shirt. “Hit me.”

Something deep inside of Suzaku feels as if it's shattered; it's not his heart, but something quite close.

“I swear to God,” Lelouch snarls, his fists pulling at Suzaku’s shirt, “if you don’t hit me right now —”

Ever the devoted friend, Suzaku rests his hands on top of Lelouch’s. He doesn't try to pry his shirt from Lelouch’s grip; he is merely trying to express his love and patience. Some of his affection seems to shine through, as Lelouch doesn't tear himself away.

“You can talk to me,” Suzaku continues, voice gentle as he tries to calm his friend. “You know that, right? We’re friends. We’ve been friends forever.”

Shaking his head, Lelouch says, “You don’t understand.”

“You’re right. I don’t, so can you help me understand, please?”

Lelouch releases Suzaku’s shirt, hands shaking as he looks down at them. “I abandoned Nunnally. And you. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to leave. Is that enough?”

“Of course it’s not.” Suzaku frowns. “Why are you lying to me?”

After a long pause, Lelouch stands, the soles of his feet scratching against the woven mats. “He’s going to be mad if you don’t hit me.”

“Who? My father?”

“Hit me,” Lelouch repeats, in that same monotone voice. “Before I do something I’ll regret.”

Suzaku stands to face him. “Is that a threat?”

A laugh erupts from deep in Lelouch’s throat, low and hollow. “You could take it that way, I suppose.”

Their eyes dart across each other’s face, searching for answers. While Lelouch is looking for some sort of assurance that Suzaku will hurt him — he shudders at the thought and wonders where everything went so wrong — Suzaku is looking for just a glimpse of hope. With just a glimmer of the truth, Suzaku is sure he can turn the tide of this very strange situation.

Suzaku is still looking for that glimmer when Lelouch decides to bolt. It shocks him at first, as Lelouch has always been poor at physical exertion, but a few seconds headstart is all he seems to need. Cornering his friend in the kitchen with no other exit, Suzaku feels a grin pull at the corner of his lips. Until he sees Lelouch back up against the counter, eyes dark and watching Suzaku with something akin to hatred as he uses his hand to fumble along the counter.

When Lelouch pulls out a knife, Suzaku is afraid — not for his own safety, as he's relatively confident in his physical ability to detain Lelouch, but of the implications. Something in his friend has changed so drastically, so suddenly, and yet Suzaku wasn't able to see it.

“I’m sorry,” Suzaku says, not in an attempt to dissuade Lelouch, but more of a confession of presumed guilt.

“I’m sorry, too.” For a moment, Suzaku can see the sadness pooling in Lelouch’s eyes — then, Lelouch is slicing his own arm open with the knife, the blood dripping from the wound a dark contrast against the paleness of his skin.

“Lelouch, stop!” Before he can even think, Suzaku is across the room and reaching for the knife. His hand grasps the hilt, and he easily tears it away from Lelouch; it clatters to the ground, temporarily forgotten as Suzaku stares in horror at the blood on Lelouch’s arm. He tears off his own shirt to press to the wound, and if Lelouch struggles against him, he ignores it. All he can see right now is the blood.

To Suzaku’s surprise, it's Lelouch who admonishes him first. “You’re so stupid. Why would you do that? I could have cut you —”

Suzaku groans. “That’s really what you’re worried about right now?”

“I told you to hit me, and you didn’t listen,” Lelouch replies testily. “I make good on my threats, Suzaku.”

“If I'd known you were threatening to hurt yourself, I…”

_I would have done something drastic, too. I would've done anything to keep Lelouch from hurting himself._

“Do you understand now?” Lelouch asks as his legs wobble beneath him. Before he can topple over, Suzaku catches him with his free hand. “Do you finally understand?”

“The more you talk, the less I understand.” Suzaku can hear the hurt in his own voice, and he doesn't even try to hide it. “The more pain you seem to end up in, too.”

He leads Lelouch to the bathroom, where he directs him to sit on the closed toilet seat. After making sure Lelouch is able to properly hold the shirt against his wound, Suzaku digs through the cabinet above the sink for the first aid kit.

Today has been such a turbulent birthday; it's a day he will never forget, after everything that's happened. The sadness of the past week seems so long ago now and yet the scars it dug into all of them — the distance it created — won't be disappearing anytime soon. There was a flicker of happiness inside of Suzaku when he first saw Lelouch there in the sitting room, despite the context of his reappearance; he was alive and whole, and that was what mattered to Suzaku.

 _Although he didn't stay whole very long,_ Suzaku thinks as he cleans the long cut in Lelouch’s arm. It isn't too deep, but it's jagged as if Lelouch’s flesh had protested the sudden jab.

Suzaku finishes bandaging Lelouch’s arm, then sighs. “If you ever do that again —”

“You know what you have to do to get me to stop.”

“I’m not going to hit you, Lelouch.”

Huffing, although still not shying away from Suzaku’s hand on his arm, Lelouch says, “Now you’re just being unreasonable.”

“And you’re being absurd!” Suzaku yells, his patience wearing thin. “Are you even hearing yourself right now?”

_As if I could ever hit the man I..._

They still haven't told Nunnally about her brother’s return, and the thought gnaws at Suzaku. She hasn't been able to be with him for a whole week, hasn't been able to hear his voice or hold his hand. Because of this whole ordeal, she's been alone more often than not while Suzaku has been at school during the week. They could've visited Nunnally right after Suzaku saw him in the sitting room if only Lelouch hadn't decided to be so difficult.

_Although I did try to force him to answer my questions. But it’s not like Nunnally won’t be asking him the same ones, and the truth will have to come out sooner or later._

“What are you going to tell Nunnally when she finds out about your arm?” Suzaku asks, his curiosity genuine.

Lelouch slumps forward on the toilet seat, still holding his arm, and Suzaku imagines it's pulsing quite painfully by now. “I don’t know.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts getting a bit into the NSFW.

Sunlight is still streaming in through the window of the bathroom, and Suzaku finds it somewhat miraculous. A mere hour or two have passed since Suzaku set eyes on Lelouch again after his mysterious week-long absence. With the number of questions his reappearance has raised, it almost feels like this one day has been an entire week in and of itself.

"I suppose it can't be helped," Lelouch says thoughtfully from his perch atop the toilet seat. He's still holding his wounded arm in one hand, and Suzaku has backed away enough to put the first-aid kit back in the cabinet. "We'll have to start small."

"This again? If you think I'm going to hit you —"

"Just shut up, Suzaku. Shut. Up," Lelouch snaps, then pauses, and from the calculating look in his eyes, Suzaku can tell that he's plotting something. "Now, the rope my hands were tied with. Go get it, please."

Suzaku protests: "I'm not leaving you alone. Not after...that."

Lelouch grimaces; the incident of him grabbing a knife to injure himself with is still fresh in both of their minds.

"Very well," Lelouch concedes, as if he is the one in control of the situation. While he does hold some power over Suzaku, especially when he tries to use that silver tongue of his to finagle his way out of uncomfortable situations, Lelouch is ultimately at the mercy of his friend right now. "Let's go together then, shall we?"

With Lelouch in front, so that Suzaku can keep an eye on him, they make their way back out into the sitting room. Suzaku keeps his hand over Lelouch's back; he isn't touching him, but he's itching to grab him if his friend decides to run again.

_I don't know how we've gotten to this point. I really don't._

The fact that he can't trust Lelouch right now — can't trust him not to hurt himself — dawns on Suzaku, and it is an overwhelming feeling. Since Lelouch won't answer any of his questions, at least not outright, not only does he not know how to react to Lelouch, he doesn't know how to react to his own feelings.

"Now tie me up," Lelouch says, holding out the short rope that had been left on the floor. When Suzaku doesn't respond — and instead gawks at him, although he figures he should have known something like this would happen — Lelouch sighs. "To your bedroom, then."

In the bedroom, Suzaku sits down on his futon, exhausted after everything that has transpired. He keeps his eye on Lelouch, who is inspecting the room as if looking for some sort of trap. Suzaku is about to comment about there not being much of anything Lelouch could use to hurt himself with, but in a moment of weakness, he trusts his friend's intentions. There has to be more to this whole situation, whatever it might be, and however long it might take for Suzaku to discover the truth.

Lelouch sits next to him on the floor, letting out an exaggerated sigh. "Damn you, Suzaku, and your lack of anything to bind myself to!"

_So that's what he was looking for._

"Well, sorry," Suzaku says, shaking his head at the absurdity of Lelouch's idea. "I wasn't planning on tying my best friend up in my bedroom anytime soon."

Lelouch flinches, as if Suzaku hit a sore spot.

Of all the fantasies Suzaku has had about Lelouch, having him tied up in his room isn't one he can recall; Lelouch always manages to be in control in some way, anyway — at least with his words. Suzaku supposes such roleplay could be arranged if they were to be creative about it. But he has to will the thought away, as that isn't Lelouch's intention at all. After today, he isn't even sure they could ever be together in such a way; there is too much information he is not privy to for him to feel at ease with Lelouch right now.

"This will have to do for now," Lelouch says, offering his hands to Suzaku. "Bind me."

Suzaku almost ignores the proposition, but a thought comes to mind: _This isn't really hurting him, is it? And at least for the time being, he won't be able to hurt himself._

When Suzaku nods his consent, Lelouch's whole body seems to relax, as if relieved. Suzaku ignores it — the fact that his friend finds relief in such a demeaning act — and ties Lelouch's wrists together, making sure to handle his injured arm with care.

"Tighter, Suzaku. Anyone could escape from this tie. You call that a knot?"

"It's really weird," Suzaku says, acquiescing to Lelouch's demands and tightening his allegedly poor knot, "that you're insulting me right now."

Although in the end, Suzaku supposes it doesn't matter. He did what Lelouch asked of him.

As the day turns to evening, Suzaku offers to prepare dinner for Lelouch, who vehemently denies, citing some such nonsense about how undeserving he is of food. Suzaku cares about Lelouch more than anyone else in the world, other than Nunnally, but he doesn't think he can muster the patience to force-feed him. At least not right now; if Lelouch continues to refuse to eat, it might have to come to that.

Suzaku chews on the rice he heated up from last night’s dinner, watching Lelouch toss and turn on the floor. It feels like it's never more than a few seconds before Lelouch grunts, then twists into a new position.

“What are you even doing?” Suzaku asks, rolling his eyes.

Pausing mid-roll, Lelouch turns to him. “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m trying to get comfortable.”

“I have a bed, you know,” Suzaku points out. “The futon is big enough for both of us.”

He could also bring out another mattress, like he had the time they all spent the night in here. It feels like it's been years since then, when they were all able to live as equals for three days. With Lelouch’s latest bout into masochism, Suzaku wonders if they will ever be able to feel like that again.

The stubborn Lelouch refuses his offer, but he at least stops rolling around. When Suzaku looks at him, he's staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought. His wrists are bound together in front of him, and they're lying across his stomach now. Suzaku wonders if he bound them too tight, but they don't seem to be causing Lelouch much pain.

“When are we going to see Nunnally?” Suzaku asks after a while. “You know, to tell her that her brother is alive?”

“You’d let me see her?” Lelouch sits up on his knees to peer over at Suzaku.

“Why do you keep trying to force me into the role of some sadist? I’m not doing it.”

“I just mean — after today. You trust me?”

“No, I don’t,” Suzaku admits. “But Nunnally deserves to see you. Even if maybe you don’t deserve to see her.”

With Lelouch quiet, and having stopped rolling around, Suzaku turns off the light before making his way back to bed. He maneuvers his feet carefully, so he doesn't step on Lelouch, then slips beneath the covers. Somehow, he wasn't expecting Lelouch to be so quiet; if anything, he thought he would be grumbling into the night.

While Suzaku doesn't understand the demons plaguing his friend, he can at least relate, in a way. He knows far too well the persistent sting of guilt.

His sleep is troubled, and although he has difficulty figuring out what it is he's even dreaming about, he finds himself tossing and turning.

 _It must be the stress,_ Suzaku thinks, as his dreams keep him suspended in a semi-lucid state.

At some point in the night, a quick breeze meets his skin as something lifts up his blanket. The air is cool against his clammy skin, and it's almost enough to fully wake him. It's a pleasant feeling, as he finds himself being cuddled by a warm body. The person’s name is on the tip of his tongue, but he's so tired; exhaustion weighs him down.

When Suzaku wakes up, the bright rays of dawn are coming in through the window. He finds himself squeezing the person next to him tighter, like it's normal. Like this is meant to be.

It is Lelouch beside him, mumbling a good morning into Suzaku’s chest.

While Suzaku is happy to see him there, his dark hair disheveled from sleep, he's a little surprised, too.

“You used to hate it when I touched you,” Suzaku says, reaching out to pat Lelouch’s hair — but he stops himself, letting his hand fall back onto the mattress.

After more semi-incoherent grumbling, Lelouch mutters, “I never hated it.”

“Oh,” Suzaku says, his mind acknowledging that it's too early to be arguing, but he can't seem to stop himself. “I must have gotten the wrong impression all the times you were screaming at me to ‘never touch you again,’ then.”

“I never hated it,” Lelouch insists, lifting his head from Suzaku’s chest. “You...touching me. I just never wanted you to see.”

“The bruises?” When Lelouch nods, Suzaku feels his body easing. He reaches out to touch Lelouch’s head again, and this time, he doesn't stop himself; he runs his hands through the soft strands of hair. “Are you ever going to tell me about them?”

Lelouch closes his eyes, tilting his head toward Suzaku’s caress. “All in due time.”

A part of him wants to trust Lelouch — his best friend — like he always has, but then the memory of Lelouch grabbing the knife returns. It's a traumatizing memory, and not one he will likely ever forget.

When Lelouch starts to move, Suzaku presumes he's ready to wake up for the day. He realizes he's wrong as Lelouch pulls back the covers enough so that he can straddle Suzaku’s hips, his bound wrists in front of him. It should be somewhat of an erotic sight, but with a mix of Suzaku’s still-tired mind and the stress from recent events, he just finds it odd — exhausting, even.

“Hey, Suzaku,” Lelouch says, leaning forward slightly as he shifts his hips, making himself comfortable. “Untie me.”

Suzaku rubs at the sleep still in his eyes. “You’ve got to be joking. You beg me for hours to tie you up, now you’re —”

“Just do it.”

“So bossy.” Suzaku attempts to roll over, intending to shove Lelouch off, but his friend’s grip on him is tight. “I’m still tired.”

The situation escalates as Lelouch grinds his hips against Suzaku’s, and although the motion is somewhat awkward, it's enough for him to feel a spark. He grabs Lelouch’s hips, attempting to still his body, but the sight before him is too much: Lelouch, on top of him, straddling him as he rubs himself against him, with Suzaku’s hands to guide his movements.

 _No. It's to stop them,_ Suzaku reminds himself.

He makes yet another mistake — in his long career of ignorance — as he tries to reason with Lelouch.

“Lelouch, what are you —”

“I can do more if you untie me,” Lelouch says, trailing his bound hands up Suzaku’s chest. “Lots more.”

“Is that supposed to be sexy?” Suzaku’s breath catches in his throat, torn between a laugh and a semi-aroused huff.

Biting his lip, the way he does when he's frustrated, Lelouch turns his head away.

“Fine. If you untie me, I can...touch your cock. Is that better?”

At this, Suzaku does groan; he lifts his hips up to meet Lelouch’s, and he's almost surprised at how just that one word out of Lelouch’s mouth can excite him this much. He would be more surprised if he hadn't fantasized about Lelouch talking dirty with him a million times already.

They find a sort of rhythm that feels pleasant — those sparks again, but lighter now — although not satisfying. Lelouch lets out a breathy moan above him, making Suzaku shudder, and although he didn't untie Lelouch, he still feels his hands pawing at the waistband of his pants.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: dubcon, sexual coercion.
> 
> I've updated the tags, and more NSFW ones will be coming for future chapters.

“I have a proposition for you,” Lelouch says in that deep, commanding voice of his that tends to warrant no complaint. With one of his bound hands wrapped around Suzaku’s half-hard length, Suzaku supposes he is in the right position to make such demands.

“I want you to fuck me,” Lelouch continues, his voice shaky as he squeezes Suzaku, who pivots his hips into the touch.

If he hadn't been enveloped by that vague dream a mere few minutes ago, Suzaku might have thought this was just his imagination. Although Lelouch’s hand on him is much warmer and real than any dream he has ever had; Lelouch thumbs the tip of his cock, smearing pre-come before bringing the soiled finger to his lips.

Suzaku stares at Lelouch’s mouth, watching the way his hand lingers against his lips. Every motion feels calculated — typical Lelouch — and yet Suzaku has to wonder just how much of this is Lelouch’s instinct as he flows through the motions of his own desire.

“And in return?”

“I want you to hurt me,” Lelouch says, and Suzaku drops his hands from Lelouch’s hips — after having been such a comforting place to put them, as if they belong there. “No, just listen. You can mark me. How does that sound?”

Lelouch pulls the collar of his shirt down to bare his neck, and Suzaku licks his lips, eyeing the pale, unmarred skin. The idea sounds promising, if only Lelouch’s intent aligned with his own.

 _Does he even want this?_ Suzaku wonders. _Or is he just toying with my emotions now?_

He wants to pull Lelouch down for a kiss and touch him all over. Maybe at some point, he would even untie him — if he felt like it. That sliver of control is almost his undoing.

“No,” Suzaku says, and he smiles; while not forced, it is sad as he accepts the presumed ramifications. This is his one chance to be with Lelouch, and yet here he is, rejecting him.

“It’s not you, Lelouch,” he continues. “It’s just this, right now. If I were to ever hold you, I would want it to be different.”

“‘Different?’” There is a dark look in Lelouch’s eyes, something Suzaku can't quite decipher.

“Like with lead-up and foreplay,” Suzaku explains, flushing at the word. “Maybe even dinner beforehand.”

“Is this not foreplay?” Lelouch asks, squeezing Suzaku’s cock again.

“I, ah — you haven't ever had sex before, right?” When Lelouch shakes his head, Suzaku lets out a deep breath. “Well, neither have I, and I’d want to make it perfect.”

With that issue settled, Suzaku is sure Lelouch will be rolling off of him, perhaps to resume his childish huffing on the floor. Instead, he gasps when Lelouch starts to stroke him, his grip firm despite his binding. He runs his hand slowly along the whole length of him in timid exploration, and Suzaku wonders what he might be thinking.

_Does he like it?_

Then Lelouch is grasping the tip of him again, moving with just the right speed as he alternates between tight and loose squeezes. Before long, Suzaku’s pre-come is covering his hand, easing the friction as he gasps.

_That's my cock in Lelouch’s hand._

If Suzaku could close his eyes, he thinks he might be able to resist, but he cannot. He watches Lelouch’s face: the way he bites his lip in concentration, the way his eyes dart between Suzaku’s face and his arousal. The sounds of his own pre-come, slicking up Lelouch’s hand as he pumps him, are so loud and lewd — and yet so arousing.

_He’s so good at this. Is this how he touches himself?_

Suzaku groans, his heartbeat thrumming in his throat.

Lelouch leans forward, still jerking Suzaku off as he bears his neck, angling it so that if Suzaku wants, he can mark him at any time. While he can see that Lelouch still hasn't given up on forcing Suzaku to hurt him, for now, he doesn't care. He latches his lips onto Lelouch’s proffered neck, sucking and kissing, marking him as Lelouch moans above him. His hands slip beneath Lelouch’s shirt, running up and down his back as he holds him tight. The angle has become uncomfortable for Lelouch, as his hand begins to slacken, but Suzaku still comes, biting into the skin of Lelouch’s neck.

If this had been different — if Lelouch had listened to him — he would have made sure to finish in his hand, sparing his friend the mess. But Lelouch didn't listen, so his shirt and the front of his pants are dripping with Suzaku’s release. The sight is arousing — Lelouch, covered in his come, and the thought of covering his face with it, too, comes to mind — but also comical, as Lelouch grimaces at the substance now covering him.

“You get what you wanted?” Suzaku asks, his tone snippy. Lelouch presses one of Suzaku’s hands to his injured neck, and the flesh is warm beneath his fingers.

“Yes.” Lelouch closes his eyes, his head lolling a bit. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Suzaku snaps, tearing his hand away. “Just get off me.”

For once, Lelouch listens to Suzaku’s request and stands up, his legs wobbly.

Despite his better judgment, Suzaku prepares a bath for Lelouch, almost feeling sorry now for dirtying him. Watching Lelouch try to take off his clothes while bound is pathetic: he weakly tries to pull his pants down, then eyes Suzaku with expectation.

 _I’m not falling for this again,_ Suzaku decides, quickly untying Lelouch’s wrists.

“Don’t you dare get any funny ideas,” Suzaku says, before stomping out of the bathroom.

While Lelouch is bathing, Suzaku inspects the accursed rope before throwing it in the garbage; its bristles are thick, sharp, and painful to the touch. He realizes Lelouch’s wrists must have been rubbed raw after being bound for so long, and his stomach twinges with guilt.

_Dammit, Lelouch! Why wasn’t this enough for you?_

When he returns to his room to inspect his futon, it is clean but damp with sweat. It's as he throws the blanket into the washing machine that he hears the howling.

“Suzaku. Su-za-ku!"

At first, Suzaku sighs, hearing the whine in Lelouch’s voice, but then he decides to check on him. Although he doesn't think Lelouch will hurt himself right now — the feral way Suzaku dug into his neck, marking him, comes to mind — he can't be too sure.

Lelouch has the bathroom door open partway, and he hides half of his naked body behind the door as he peers out. His still-damp hair clings to his forehead, and Suzaku can't help but stare.

“Why are you naked?”

“You didn’t give me any clothes to change into!” Lelouch declares in a huff, as if that explains why he had to open the door to do so.

Suzaku sighs, heading back to his room to grab some of his spare clothes. This change in the atmosphere has him worried. It isn't like they've never had spats before; they just haven't ever fought over nudity, sex, or the fact that Lelouch wants Suzaku to inflict pain on him. While Lelouch has always held a mist of arrogance around him, he has never been this irritable with Suzaku.

“Here,” Suzaku says, throwing the clothes at Lelouch. “Or do you need me to help you dress, too?”

For a moment, Lelouch’s eyes gleam, and his grip on the door loosens. “Well, since you offered —”

“It was a joke.”

“Ah. I see.” Lelouch at least has the grace to blush, his sheepish expression almost making Suzaku feel guilty again. “It’s just, you know, my arm.”

At this, Suzaku does feel bad — his friend is injured, and might actually need his assistance. He remembers that pitiful look in Lelouch’s eyes when he was trying to take his pants off, and now, knowing about his wrists, maybe it hadn't all been for show. But Lelouch had cut himself, and asked to be bound, and begged Suzaku to mark him. The shame creeps in as Suzaku recalls each time Lelouch has pushed his buttons in the past twenty-four hours, and how Lelouch has been able to press the correct one almost every time.

While Lelouch hurting himself wasn't his fault — that was all on Lelouch — he has still succumbed to every other instance of his friend’s whining. It's because of this that Suzaku ends up helping Lelouch pull his shirt on over his head. Afterward, in a moment of tenderness, Suzaku reaches out to brush the dark strands of hair away from Lelouch’s eyes.

When Lelouch looks at him, his eyes large and pleading — for what, Suzaku has no idea — he has to resist the urge to kiss him. In a different world, maybe they could kiss under more favorable circumstances. If they kissed now, it would feel less like an intimate act and more like running. Not even Lelouch’s kisses could, after all, ease the pain and frustration of everything that has happened.

“How about we go see Nunnally?” Suzaku offers, and at this, Lelouch reaches out to clasp his hands.

“You’d let me? Truly?”

Instead of reiterating what he told Lelouch before — about how he has no intention of keeping the siblings apart, even if Lelouch doesn't deserve to see her — he heads outside to the storage building. Lelouch follows close behind, at least having built up enough trust for Suzaku not to force him to walk in front.

Inside, Suzaku greets Nunnally, then says, “There’s someone here to see you.”

No matter what events led to this moment, Suzaku gives Lelouch the opportunity to announce his presence. Lelouch wraps Nunnally up in a crushing hug, telling her how he has returned, and how he is sorry for having disappeared. This mistake will never be repeated, he says; over and over, he tells his little sister how he will never leave her alone here with only Suzaku to comfort her.

“Lelouch?” Nunnally squeaks, the top of her head still being peppered in affectionate kisses. “What ‘mistake’ are you talking about?”

Just as with Suzaku’s interrogation yesterday, Nunnally is awarded few answers, and the answers she does receive are vague. After a while, her questions cease and she falls into an easy chatter with her brother. She knows something is wrong, but cannot place her finger on it, neither can she pull any relevant answers from Lelouch, much like Suzaku.

 _At least she didn't have to see how Lelouch hurt himself._ Suzaku cringes at the memory, burned deep, then looks at Lelouch, who has a genuine smile on his face.

_Why won’t you talk to me?_

When Suzaku turns to leave, intending to give his friends at least a few minutes of time alone together, Lelouch pulls at the back of his shirt.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Without allowing Suzaku the time to decide whether or not he wants to snap back, Lelouch leans in, his voice low. “You heard your father. I’m yours now.”

Suzaku shudders and hopes Lelouch doesn't notice. “He didn’t say that.”

“Open your eyes. Open your ears, dammit, and listen to me.”

“I’m listening,” Suzaku says, his voice close to pleading now. “I’m always listening. You know that.”

Lelouch shakes his head, dropping Suzaku’s shirt. “You only hear what you want to.”

After grabbing Nunnally a large serving of food for dinner from the kitchen, Suzaku leads Lelouch back to his room. Lelouch made it clear back in the storage shed that they were not to be apart from one another, and in any other situation, that might have almost been romantic. Since Lelouch will be staying here, Suzaku unfurls one of the extra futons — a fair distance away from his own.

When they are lying in their respective beds, the darkness swallowing them, Suzaku says, “I don’t like the thought of Nunnally all alone out there.”

Lelouch’s response is curt. “Neither do I. I told her it’ll just be for a while. And to hold on.”

 _So none of this is his choice,_ Suzaku figures. _But why, then?_

_Why?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is a bit late, but it should be up 3/16.


	7. Chapter 7

When Suzaku wakes up in the morning, Lelouch is snuggling against him again, body warm and breath hot on his skin. Although still tired, Suzaku's intentions are honest as he pulls Lelouch closer, pressing his face to the top of his head. If they stay like this, no one could hurt Lelouch anymore; they wouldn’t have to fight as they have been. They could just lie here, world be damned, if only it was that simple.

They have yet to talk about what happened yesterday: how Lelouch forced himself on him, and how Suzaku's body reacted at having the person he has desired for so long touch him. Despite how good it felt, that didn’t make it acceptable behavior, and apprehension trickles down Suzaku's neck as he wonders if Lelouch will do it again.

When he looks at Lelouch's face, with his eyes closed and mouth slightly open in a quiet snore, Suzaku wants to overcome this. He wants to show Lelouch how much he desires him without having to be coerced.

Held in the crook of Suzaku's arm, Lelouch seems almost peaceful as he sleeps. Suzaku watches him until his eyes start to open, and he loses himself to those vibrant violet eyes.

"You hungry?" Suzaku asks, almost fumbling with his words, as if he still has to impress Lelouch. If anything, the events from yesterday had to hint that there is at least something salvageable there between them, and the last thing he wants to do is dissuade Lelouch's advances. They still have potential, Suzaku thinks. Just along a far different path than he once imagined.

While Suzaku rummages around the kitchen for something to eat, he entrusts Lelouch to the sitting room. With the sliding doors open, he can bask in the morning sun; the fresh air will be good for him too. Like this, Suzaku can almost pretend they’re having another one of their mini-vacations — if only Nunnally was here with them.

For the second morning in a row, someone shouts his name: "Suzaku!"

This time, it isn’t Lelouch demanding clothes. It is his father, demanding something altogether different as he drags Lelouch into the kitchen by his hair. After throwing him off to the side, where he smashes into the cupboards, Suzaku’s father approaches him. As Lelouch lies still, Suzaku remembers what he said yesterday.

 _Open your eyes,_ Lelouch had said. _Open your ears, dammit, and listen to me._

His father’s demeanor becomes cheery as he smiles before saying, “I’m proud of you. Although I’d like to see more. This was a nice touch, though.”

Genbu leans over Lelouch and tears the bandage from his arm, revealing the dried blood over where his skin has been etching itself back together. Lelouch lets out a small yelp, and it tears through Suzaku’s heart.

_Don’t you touch him. Don’t you ever touch him._

“Please don’t hurt Lelouch,” Suzaku says, his jaw tight as he clenches his fists. “Father.”

_I could beat him in a fight. I know it. I’d just need some sort of advantage — to surprise him._

“I’d watch my tone if I were you,” Genbu threatens. “I could always take him back.”

Suzaku’s attention is piqued at such a small tidbit of information, and he decides to play along in an attempt to learn more.

“Take him back where?” Suzaku asks, his voice calm and collected as if he hadn't been ready to assault his father a few seconds ago.

“Oh?” Genbu glances over at Lelouch, and a part of Suzaku wants to scream at him. “So he hasn’t told you.”

“He hasn’t told me anything,” Suzaku admits dryly, unable to keep the irritation out of his voice. He looks over at Lelouch, who glares at him.

 _Stop being so reckless,_ the looks says. _Just stop talking._

The moment his father leaves the room, off on some errand after expressing his hopes for his son’s bright future, Lelouch is lecturing him.

“That was stupid of you.”

“What was? Me trying to protect you?” Suzaku bites back, shaking his head. “I won’t ever let him hurt you again.”

Lelouch stands up, holding onto the counter for balance, and Suzaku wraps his arms around his shoulders without thinking. “And how do you think you’ll manage to accomplish that?”

“I’ve opened my eyes,” Suzaku says, squeezing Lelouch’s shoulder. “I was ignorant, and thick-headed, but I can see that he — he hurt you. He’s always been hurting you, hasn’t he?”

 _But that doesn’t quite explain the week Lelouch went missing,_ Suzaku thinks. _Or does it?_

“You’re getting there.” Lelouch nods, his tone approving.

“I won’t let him hurt you,” Suzaku repeats; he is willing to say it as many times as Lelouch needs. “I’ll figure something out. I promise.”

When Lelouch turns to him, he is biting his lip, drawing Suzaku’s eyes to the motion. “Would it be strange if I told you I’ll hold you to that?”

 _No,_ Suzaku almost says. _It wouldn’t, because I want you to rely on me. Let me help you._

Lelouch reaches out to cup Suzaku’s face, a tender gesture as he touches his cheek with his thumb. Suzaku watches Lelouch’s eyes search his face — for what, Suzaku doesn’t know. It would be so easy to lean in and kiss him, and he wonders if that is what Lelouch is trying to lure him into doing.

“I want to talk,” Suzaku says. “About yesterday.”

Lelouch drops his hands, and while Suzaku misses the touch, they need to have this conversation. “I’m not sure what you’re referring to.”

“The — the touching. Or the, you know, sex.”

“You say that like it means something.”

Suzaku gently turns Lelouch back toward him by his shoulders, and although Lelouch’s face is sullen as he stares at the floor, Suzaku refuses to hold his words back. Not now.

“Of course it means something. You hurt me — forced me — even though you know how I feel. You think I’m supposed to ignore that?”

Right now, more than anything, he wants Lelouch to understand how much he cares for him. While taking a step back from Lelouch in a romantic sense would be the most logical, Suzaku realizes that it’s the opposite of what he wants. If he’s reading Lelouch correctly — those bitter eyes and the way his shoulders slump whenever things don’t turn out the way he hoped — he thinks he might be feeling the same way.

“I want you, Lelouch,” Suzaku admits, choosing his words with more care than he has ever attempted with anyone. “And I want it in the right way next time. Just us. Nothing or no one making you — or either of us — do anything. And I think you want that, too.”

He touches the bite mark on Lelouch’s neck, trying to express the same tenderness Lelouch showed him before. He deserves to feel loved and cherished, and Suzaku thinks he is the best person for the job. No one else knows Lelouch like he does: his passion, his brattiness, his secrets. While there are some things Suzaku might never understand, he has come to realize that everything that has happened has brought them closer together. He doesn’t want even a moment of their pain and frustration to be in vain; he wants them to overcome this, to find something better.

Suzaku leans in, brushing his lips along Lelouch’s ear. “Would it be stupid of me if I said I want to touch you so badly right now?”

“After yesterday?” Lelouch replies, his voice hitching. “Yeah, it would be pretty stupid.”

“So you’re finally willing to talk about it?”

When Suzaku pulls away, Lelouch is glaring at him.

“That was a clever trick,” Lelouch says, raising his chin like the snob he is. “Messing with me like that.”

“It wasn’t a trick. I didn’t think you’d actually say anything.” Seeing Lelouch so bothered by what he said is riling him up; his cheeks are scorching as he teases him. “So is that the weakness of the mighty Lelouch, then? Dirty talk?”

When Lelouch starts pushing at his chest, he knows he hit the right button.

“You wouldn’t dare.” Lelouch, to his credit, tries to sound as intimidating as possible as he grits his teeth. But now that Suzaku has found his weakness, there is no stopping him.

“You moaned so loud when I was licking your neck,” Suzaku says, his hand playing with the collar of Lelouch’s shirt. “I want to hear it again.”

“You’re being vulgar and inappropriate.”

“And yet not once have you asked me to stop,” Suzaku points out, leaning in to kiss the skin just beneath Lelouch’s ear. “Does it turn you on? Telling you how much I’ve always wanted you?”

“Yes,” Lelouch gasps, grinding his hips against Suzaku’s, who groans into his neck. “So what are you going to do about it?”

“I think I’ll dine you first,” Suzaku says, releasing Lelouch before his desire can take over. “How does that sound?”

Lelouch complains at first, pattering around the kitchen to criticize Suzaku at every step. It is adorable, although irritating, as Lelouch makes demands and tells Suzaku that he is preparing far too much food for the two of them.

Suzaku smiles at him. “It’s okay. You don’t need to be nervous.”

“How did you —”

“I told you, I’m listening now.” Suzaku pulls him in for a hug, and he listens to every sound Lelouch makes: the quickness of his breath, the tapping of his foot on the floor. “Besides, the food isn’t just for us. It’s for Nunnally, too.”

Nothing could have shut Lelouch up faster than mentioning his sister. Suzaku smirks at his win as he is able to finish cooking without further complaints from this friend.

The morning is bright and clear as they carry the food out to the storage shed, and the air filling Suzaku’s lungs calms him. It feels like the air inside the house has been stifling him: for weeks, days, and maybe even years.

“Are you still thinking about leaving?” he asks, and Lelouch turns to him, bowls of food still gripped in his hands. “I wouldn’t blame you. I’d let you go — you and Nunnally — and I wouldn’t chase you, if that’s what you wanted.”

“I wanted to leave, of course. When we first came here. And maybe I still do.” Lelouch tries to smile, but his lips quiver. “But leaving here doesn’t mean leaving you.”

When they sit down to eat together in the shed, Nunnally asks if they slept well. Suzaku admires her trust in Lelouch to stay safe; it's something he himself can’t quite imagine, as his eyes run over Lelouch’s injured arm that they wrapped up in gauze again before coming out here.

 _He thinks he can take care of everyone,_ Suzaku realizes. _All of us. Doesn’t he know he shouldn’t have to?_

It doesn’t justify Lelouch’s actions, but it gives him the smallest insight as to why any of this might have happened.

_It should be my job to protect them. Or it should have been. Guess I’ve been pretty bad at that, huh?_

Even when Suzaku isn’t looking at Lelouch, he feels his eyes on him, boring into him. Suzaku wonders if he’s blaming him for everything — and he couldn’t fault him for thinking so — but when he sees Lelouch’s face, he offers nothing but a smile.

A smile from Lelouch could mean a lot of things, but this one feels warm and genuine. Maybe it has to do with the way Lelouch’s hand brushes his knee when he leans forward to grab another serving of food. He could ask him to pass the bowl, but instead, he makes a show of resting his hand on his knee for what feels like an hour.

It’s such a small gesture, but it means so much to Suzaku: that this isn’t the end for any of them. So many of their stories — their life experiences — have yet to be told.

And Lelouch is willing to stay with him, through it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things have been a bit busy for me, so the next update won't be for a few months. Thank you for reading!


End file.
